Chapter-2
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Like all Vogon ships, it seemed as though it has been now no longer a lot designed as congealed. The ugly yellow lumps and edifices which protruded from it at unpleasant angles would have disfigured the seems of maximum ships, however in this case, that became unluckily impossible. Uglier matters had been noticed withinside the skies, however now no longer via way of means of dependable witnesses. In truth to look whatever lots uglier than a Vogon deliver you'll cross inner and have a take a observe a Vogon.
If you're wise, however, that is exactly what you may keep away from doing due to the fact the common Vogon will now no longer suppose two times earlier than doing something so pointlessly hideous to you that you may desire you had by no means been born—or (in case you are a clearer minded thinker) that the Vogon had by no means been born. In truth, the common Vogon in all likelihood wouldn’t even suppose once. They are simpleminded, thick-willed, slug-brained creatures, and questioning isn't always genuinely something they reduce out for. Anatomical evaluation of the Vogon exhibits that its mind became at the beginning a badly deformed, misplaced, and dyspeptic liver. The fairest component you could say approximately them, then, is they understand what they prefer, and what they prefer typically includes hurting human beings and, anywhere possible, getting very angry. One component they don’t like is leaving an activity unfinished—in particular this Vogon, and in particular—for numerous reasons—this activity. This Vogon became Captain Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council and he became it who had had the activity of demolishing the so-called “planet” Earth. He heaved his monumentally vile frame spherical in his ill-fitting, slimy seat and stared at the screen display screen on which the starship Heart of Gold became being systematically scanned.
It mattered little to him that the Heart of Gold, with its Infinite Improbability Drive, became the maximum stunning and modern delivery ever built. Aesthetics and generation were closed books to him and, had he had his way, burnt and buried books as well. It mattered even much less to him that Zaphod Beeblebrox became aboard. Zaphod Beeblebrox was now the ex-President of the Galaxy, and though every police force in the Galaxy was currently pursuing both him and this ship he had stolen, the Vogon was not interested. He had other fish to fry. It has been said that Vogons are not above a little bribery and corruption in the same way that the sea is not above the clouds, and this was certainly true in his case.
When he heard the words “integrity” or “moral rectitude", he reached for his dictionary, and when he heard the chink of ready money in large quantities he reached for the rule book and threw it away. In seeking so implacably the destruction of the Earth and all that therein lay he was moving somewhat above and beyond the call of his professional duty. There was even some doubt as to whether the said bypass was actually going to be built, but the matter had been glossed over. He grunted a repellent grunt of satisfaction. “Computer,” he croaked, “get me my brain care specialist on the line.” Within a few seconds, the face of Gag Halfrunt appeared on the screen, smiling the smile of a man who knew he was ten light-years away from the Vogon face he was looking at. Mixed up somewhere in the smile was a glint of irony too.
Though the Vogon persistently referred to him as “my private brain care specialist” there was not a lot of brains to take care of, and it was in fact Halfrunt who was employing the Vogon. He was paying him an awful lot of money to do some very dirty work. As one of the Galaxy’s most prominent and successful psychiatrists, he and a consortium of his colleagues were quite prepared to spend an awful lot of money when it seemed that the entire future of psychiatry might be at stake. “Well,” he said, “hello my Captain of Vogons Prostetnic, and how are we feeling today?” The Vogon captain told him that in the last few hours he had wiped out nearly half his crew in a disciplinary exercise. Halfrunt’s smile did not flicker for an instant. “Well,” he said, “I think this is perfectly normal behavior for a Vogon, you know? The natural and healthy channeling of the aggressive instincts into acts of senseless violence.” “That,” rumbled the Vogon, “is what you always say.” “Well again,” said Halfrunt, “I think that this is perfectly normal behavior for a psychiatrist. Good. We are clearly both very well adjusted in our mental attitudes today. Now tell me, what news of the mission?” “We have located the ship.” “Wonderful,” said Halfrunt, “wonderful! and the occupants?” “The Earthman is there.” “Excellent! And…?” “A female from the same planet. They are the last.” “Good, good,” beamed Halfrunt, “Who else?” “The man Prefect.” “Yes?” “And Zaphod Beeblebrox.” For an instant Halfrunt’s smile flickered. “Ah yes,” he said, “I had been expecting this. It is most regrettable.”
“A personal friend?” inquired the Vogon, who had heard the expression somewhere once and decided to try it out. “Ah, no,” said Halfrunt, “in my profession you know, we do not make personal friends.” “Ah,” grunted the Vogon, “professional detachment.” “No,” said Halfrunt cheerfully, “we just don’t have the knack.” He paused. His mouth continued to smile, but his eyes frowned slightly. “But Beeblebrox, you know,” he said, “he is one of my most profitable clients. He had personality problems beyond the dreams of analysts.” He toyed with this thought a little before reluctantly dismissing it. “Still,” he said, “you are ready for your task?” “Yes.” “Good. Destroy the ship immediately.” “What about Beeblebrox?” “Well,” said Halfrunt brightly, “Zaphod’s just this guy, you know?” He vanished from the screen. The Vogon Captain pressed a communicator button which connected him with the remains of his crew. “Attack,” he said.
At that precise moment, Zaphod Beeblebrox was in his cabin swearing very loudly. Two hours ago, he had said that they would go for a quick bite at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, whereupon he had had a blazing row with the ship’s computer and stormed off to his cabin shouting that he would work out the Improbability factors with a pencil. The Heart of Gold’s Improbability Drive made it the most powerful and unpredictable ship in existence. There was nothing it couldn’t do, provided you knew exactly how improbable it was that the thing you wanted it to do would ever happen. He had stolen it when, as President, he was meant to be launching it. He didn’t know exactly why he had stolen it, except that he liked it.
He didn’t know why he had become President of the Galaxy, except that it seemed a fun thing to be. He did know that there were better reasons than these, but that they were buried in a dark, locked-off section of his two brains. He wished the dark, locked-off section of his two brains would go away because they occasionally surfaced momentarily and put strange thoughts into the light, fun sections of his mind and tried to deflect him from what he saw as being the basic business of his life, which was to have a wonderfully good time. At the moment he was not having a wonderfully good time. He had run out of patience and pencils and was feeling very hungry. “Starfox!” he shouted. At that same precise moment, Ford Prefect was in mid-air. This was not because of anything wrong with the ship’s artificial gravity field, but because he was leaping down the stairwell which led to the ship’s personal cabins. It was a very high jump to do in one bound and he landed awkwardly, stumbled, recovered, raced down the corridor sending a couple of miniature service robots flying, skidded around the corner, burst into Zaphod’s door, and explained what was on his mind.
“Vogons,” he stated. A brief even as earlier than this, Arthur Dent had set out from his cabin searching for a cup of tea. It becomes now no longer a quest he embarked upon with a remarkable deal of optimism, due to the fact he knew that the most effective supply of warm liquids at the whole delivers become a benighted piece of equipment produced with the aid of using the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
It becomes referred to as a Nutri-Matic Drinks Synthesizer and he had encountered it earlier than. It claimed to provide the widest viable variety of liquids for my part matched to the tastes and metabolism of whoever cared to apply it. When placed to the test, however, it perpetually produced a plastic cup full of a liquid that becomes almost, however now no longer quite, totally not like tea. He tried to motive with the thing. “Tea,” he stated. “Share and Enjoy,” the system answered and supplied him with but any other cup of the sickly liquid.
He threw it away. “Share and enjoy,” the system repeated and supplied him with any other one. “Share and Enjoy” is the agency motto of the highly a hit Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Complaints division, which now covers the most important landmasses of 3 medium-sized planets and is the most effective part of the Corporation to have proven consistent earnings in current years. The motto stands—or instead stood—in 3-mile excessive illuminated letters close to the Complaints Department spaceport on Madras.
Unfortunately, its weight becomes such that rapidly after it become erected, the floor below the letters caved in and that they dropped for almost 1/2 of their duration thru the workplaces of many proficient younger lawsuits executives —now deceased. The sticking out higher halves of the letters now appear, withinside the neighborhood language, to read “Go stick your head in a pig", and are not illuminated, besides at instances of special celebration. Arthur threw away a 6th cup of the liquid. “Listen, your system,” he stated, “you declare you could synthesize any drink in existence, so why do you preserve giving me the equal undrinkable stuff?” “Nutrition and fulfilling feel data,” burbled the system. “Share and Enjoy.” “It tastes filthy!” “If you've got loved the enjoyment of this drink,” persevered the system, “why now no longer Share it together along with your friends?” “Because,” stated Arthur tartly, “I need to preserve them. Will you try and recognize what I’m telling you? That drink…” “That drink,” stated the system sweetly, “become in my opinion tailor-made to satisfy your non-public necessities for vitamins and pleasure.” “Ah,” stated Arthur, “so I’m a masochist on food plan am I?” “Share and Enjoy.” “Oh close up.” “Will that be all?” Arthur determined to provide up. “Yes,” he stated. Then he determined he’d be damned if he’d provide up.
“No,” he stated, “look, it’s very, very simple… all I need… is a cup of tea. You are going to make one for me. Keep quiet and listen.” And he sat. He informed the Nutri-Matic approximately India, he informed it approximately China, he informed it approximately Ceylon. He informed it approximately huge leaves drying withinside the sun. He informed it approximately silver teapots. He informed it approximately summertime season afternoons at the lawn. He informed it approximately installing the milk before the tea so it wouldn’t get scalded. He even informed it (briefly) approximately the records of the East India Company. “So that’s it, is it?” stated the Nutri-Matic whilst he had finished. “Yes,” stated Arthur, “that's what I need.”
“You need the flavor of dried leaves boiled in water?” “Er, yes. With milk.” “Squirted out of a cow?” “Well, in a way of talking I suppose…” “I’m going to want a few assist with this one,” stated the system tersely. All the cheerful burbling had dropped out of its voice and it now supposed business. “Well, whatever I can do,” stated Arthur. “You’ve executed pretty enough,” the Nutri-Matic knowledgeable him. It summoned up the ship’s laptop. “Hi, there!” stated the ship’s laptop. The Nutri-Matic defined approximately tea to the ship’s laptop. The laptop boggled, connected common sense circuits with the Nutri-Matic and collectively they lapsed right into a grim silence. Arthur watched and waited for a while, however not anything in addition happened. He thumped it, however, nevertheless not anything happened. Eventually, he gave up and wandered as much as the bridge. In the empty wastes of space, the Heart of Gold hung nevertheless. Around it blazed a billion pinpricks of the Galaxy. Towards it crept the unsightly yellow lump of the Vogon ship.
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