Chapter 19
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One of the major selling point of that wholly remarkable travel book, The Hitchhiker’s
Guide to the Galaxy, apart from its relative cheapness and the fact that it has the words
DON’T PANIC written in large friendly letters on its cover, is its compendious and
occasionally accurate glossary. The statistics relating to the geo-social nature of the
Universe, for instance, are deftly set out between pages nine hundred and thirty-eight
thousand and twenty-four and nine hundred and thirty-eight thousand and twenty-six; and
Guide to the Galaxy, apart from its relative cheapness and the fact that it has the words
DON’T PANIC written in large friendly letters on its cover, is its compendious and
occasionally accurate glossary. The statistics relating to the geo-social nature of the
Universe, for instance, are deftly set out between pages nine hundred and thirty-eight
thousand and twenty-four and nine hundred and thirty-eight thousand and twenty-six; and
the simplistic style in which they are written is partly explained by the fact that the
editors, having to meet a publishing deadline, copied the information off the back of a
a packet of breakfast cereal, hastily embroidering it with a few footnotes in order to avoid
prosecution under the incomprehensibly tortuous Galactic Copyright laws.
It is interesting to note that a later and wilier editor sent the book backwards in time
through a temporal warp, and then successfully sued the breakfast cereal company for
infringement of the same laws.
Here is a sample:
The Universe-some information to help you live in it.
1~Area: Infinite.
editors, having to meet a publishing deadline, copied the information off the back of a
a packet of breakfast cereal, hastily embroidering it with a few footnotes in order to avoid
prosecution under the incomprehensibly tortuous Galactic Copyright laws.
It is interesting to note that a later and wilier editor sent the book backwards in time
through a temporal warp, and then successfully sued the breakfast cereal company for
infringement of the same laws.
Here is a sample:
The Universe-some information to help you live in it.
1~Area: Infinite.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy offers this definition of the word “Infinite".
Infinite: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some. Much bigger than that in
fact, really amazingly immense, a totally stunning size, “wow, that’s big", time. Infinity
is just so big that by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy. Gigantic multiplied by
colossal multiplied by staggeringly huge is the sort of concept we’re trying to get across
here.
2~Imports: None.
It is impossible to import things into an infinite area, there being no outside to import
things in from.
3~Exports: None.
See imports.
4~Population: None.
Infinite: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some. Much bigger than that in
fact, really amazingly immense, a totally stunning size, “wow, that’s big", time. Infinity
is just so big that by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy. Gigantic multiplied by
colossal multiplied by staggeringly huge is the sort of concept we’re trying to get across
here.
2~Imports: None.
It is impossible to import things into an infinite area, there being no outside to import
things in from.
3~Exports: None.
See imports.
4~Population: None.
It is known that there is an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an
infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited.
Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided
by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the
planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this, it follows that the population of
the whole Universe is also zero and that any people you may meet from time to time are
merely the products of a deranged imagination.
infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited.
Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided
by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the
planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this, it follows that the population of
the whole Universe is also zero and that any people you may meet from time to time are
merely the products of a deranged imagination.
5~Monetary Units: None.
In fact, there are three freely convertible currencies in the Galaxy, but none of them
count. The Altair Dollar has recently collapsed, the Flaninian Pobble Bead is only
exchangeable for other Flaninian Pobble Beads, and the Triganic Pu has its own very
special problems. Its exchange rate of eight Ningis to one Pu is simple enough, but since
a Ningi is a triangular rubber coin six thousand eight hundred miles across each side, no
one has ever collected enough to own one Pu. Ninjas are not a negotiable currency because
the Galactibanks refuse to deal in fiddling small change. From this basic premise, it is
very simple to prove that the Galactibanks is also the product of a deranged
imagination.
In fact, there are three freely convertible currencies in the Galaxy, but none of them
count. The Altair Dollar has recently collapsed, the Flaninian Pobble Bead is only
exchangeable for other Flaninian Pobble Beads, and the Triganic Pu has its own very
special problems. Its exchange rate of eight Ningis to one Pu is simple enough, but since
a Ningi is a triangular rubber coin six thousand eight hundred miles across each side, no
one has ever collected enough to own one Pu. Ninjas are not a negotiable currency because
the Galactibanks refuse to deal in fiddling small change. From this basic premise, it is
very simple to prove that the Galactibanks is also the product of a deranged
imagination.
6~Art: None.
The function of art is to hold the mirror up to nature, and there simply isn’t a mirror big
enough-see point one.
enough-see point one.
7~Sex: None.
Well, in fact, there is an awful lot of this, largely because of the total lack of money,
trade, banks, art, or anything else that might keep all the non-existent people of the
Universe occupied.
However, it is not worth embarking on a long discussion of it now because it really is
terribly complicated. For further information see Guide chapters seven, nine, ten, eleven,
fourteen, sixteen, seventeen, nineteen, twenty-one to eighty-four inclusive, and in fact
most of the rest of the Guide.
Well, in fact, there is an awful lot of this, largely because of the total lack of money,
trade, banks, art, or anything else that might keep all the non-existent people of the
Universe occupied.
However, it is not worth embarking on a long discussion of it now because it really is
terribly complicated. For further information see Guide chapters seven, nine, ten, eleven,
fourteen, sixteen, seventeen, nineteen, twenty-one to eighty-four inclusive, and in fact
most of the rest of the Guide.
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