Chapter 15
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The Restaurant at the End of the Universe is one of the most extraordinary ventures in
the entire history of catering. It has been built on the fragmented remains of… it will be
built on the fragmented… that is to say it will have been built by this time, and indeed
has been-
One of the major problems encountered in time travel is not that of accidentally
becoming your own father or mother. There is no problem involved in becoming your
own father or mother that a broadminded and well-adjusted family can’t cope with.
There
is also no problem with changing the course of history the course of history does not
change because it all fits together like a jigsaw. All the important changes have happened
before the things they were supposed to change and it all sorts itself out in the end.
The major problem is quite simply one of grammar, and the main work to consult in
this matter is Dr. Dan Streetmentioner’s Time Traveller’s Handbook of 1001 Tense
Formations.
It will tell you for instance how to describe something that was about to
happen to you in the past before you avoided it by time-jumping forward two days in
order to avoid it. The event will be described differently according to whether you are
talking about it from the standpoint of your own natural time, from a time in the further
future or a time in the further past and is further complicated by the possibility of
conducting conversations whilst you are actually traveling from one time to another with
the intention of becoming your own father or mother.
Most readers get as far as the Future Semi-Conditionally Modified Subinverted Plagal
Past Subjunctive Intentional before giving up: and in fact in later editions of the book all
the pages beyond this point have been left blank to save on printing costs.
The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy skips lightly over this tangle of academic
abstraction, pausing only to note that the term “Future Perfect” has been abandoned since
it was discovered not to be.
To resume:
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe is one of the most extraordinary ventures in
the entire history of catering.
It is built on the fragmented remains of an eventually ruined planet which is (will
haven be) enclosed in a vast time bubble and projected forward in time to the precise moment of the End of the Universe.
This is, many would say, impossible.
In it, guests take (Willan on-take) their places at table and eat (Willan on-eat) sumptuous
meals whilst watching (willing watchen) the whole of creation explode around them.
This is, many would say, equally impossible.
You can arrive (Mayan arrival on-when) for any sitting you like without prior (late fore when)
reservation because you can book retrospectively, as it were when you return to
your own time. (you can have on-book haven't fore when presenting returning went
retro home.)
This is, many would now insist, absolutely impossible.
At the Restaurant, you can meet and dine with (Mayan meet a con with Dinan on when)
a fascinating cross-section of the entire population of space and time.
This, it can be explained patiently, is also impossible.
You can visit it as many times as you like (Mayan on-visit re-on visiting… and so on-for
further tense-corrections consult Dr. Streetmentioner’s book) and be sure of never
meeting yourself, because of the embarrassment this usually causes.
This, even if the rest were true, which it isn’t, is patently impossible, say the doubters.
All you have to do is deposit one penny in a savings account in your own era, and when
you arrive at the End of Time the operation of compound interest means that the fabulous
cost of your meal has been paid for.
This, many claims, is not merely impossible but clearly insane, which is why the
advertising executives of the star system of Bastablon came up with this slogan: “If
you’ve done six impossible things this morning, why not round it off with breakfast at
Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe?”
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